The 2011 YAWNIES

Welcome to the 2011 YAWNIES – my list of the most inexplicable, dire and least value-for-money cinematic offerings of the year. Each film is linked to my review of them at the time.

Black Swan
If there is one piece of good news to come out of this rambling, shambolic delinquency, it’s that generously-proportioned musical theatre star Trevor Ashley (Hairspray) has adapted it for the cabaret stage – and called it “Fat Swan”. For his part, director Darren Aronofsky (The Wrestler) did for Tchaikovsky’s magnificent Swan Lake (and ballet in general) what Snowtown did for the South Australian Tourism Commission. What to watch instead: Swan Lake.

Contagion
Filmmakers have been re-imagining the ‘killer virus eradicates the entire human population’ sub-genre since time immemorial – and Steven Soderbergh’s (Erin Brockovich) take on it was one of the most eagerly-anticipated films of the year. Regrettably, an A-list cast of Hollywood’s finest ended up in one of the longest and most tedious Dettol commercials in history. What to watch instead: I Am Legend.

Cowboys and Aliens
If the grand cinematic theme for 2011 was a “what on earth were they thinking?!”, then this genre mash-up misfire would certainly get to blow out all the candles on the cake. While it might have seemed curious, original and inventive on paper, it ended up taking itself far too seriously and outstaying its welcome by a good 20 minutes. What to watch instead: Anything with John Wayne in it.

I Am Number Four
The performances from Australian-born actors Callan McAuliffe and Teresa Palmer were the most promising aspects of this clumsy, Terminator-lite attempt at creating a sci-fi franchise. Similarly to last year’s 2012, the expert pedigree behind the scenes in this case should have absolutely guaranteed a vastly superior result to the one we all ended up having to sit through. What to watch instead: Terminator.

In Time
The other recurring cinematic theme of 2011 was films failing to realise their potential – for which In Time was a prime candidate. Instead of unleashing its sleigh-load of exciting, sci-fi laced dramatic possibilities, a bunch of Hollywood’s hottest young things (lead by Justin Timberlake) ended up running about all over the place looking gorgeous, while desperately trying to dodge the clunky and over-used ‘time as currency’ metaphors. What to watch instead: Logan’s Run.

Limitless
Take one Mr Bradley Cooper (The Hangover movies). Add the very occasionally techno-dazzling transformations of time and place based on a morally and ethically suspect plot about the side-effects of taking some kind of wonder-drug. Then add the very excellent Australian-born Abbie Cornish (Somersault, Bright Star). Finally, add the star-power of Robert De Niro (for whom it hasn’t been the best of years). The result? Surprisingly, nothing of any real interest. What to watch instead: Inception.

New Year’s Eve
This formulaic, trite, waste of talent and time has been roundly celebrated as one of the worst movies of 2011. Guilty of not only treating its audience as complete morons, New Year’s Eve managed to take one of the most dramatically, comically and romantically-infused nights of the year and turn it into the cinematic equivalent of watching paint dry. What to watch instead: The Poseidon Adventure.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Hollywood’s originality (and identity) crisis hit a new low with this long and predictable reboot of the unforgettable Planet of the Apes films – which began with Planet of the Apes (1968). Andy Serkis (The Adventures of Tintin, Kong in King Kong, Gollum in The Lord of the Rings) proved, yet again, that he is the go-to guy for performance capture – to the extent to which there is intense industry lobbying to have a new Oscar category created especially for him. What to watch instead: Charlton Heston in the original Planet of the Apes.

Super 8
The party this year was seriously crashed by this great, big, muddled, over-produced clunker – most memorable for the extent to which it self-consciously referenced (and revered) every Steven Spielberg movie made before it. When army tanks weren’t crashing through and crushing the swings in the playground, ET’s cranky relative turned up to fling white goods around. What to watch instead: Stand By Me.

The 2011 YAWNIES were commissioned by the Geraldton Newspaper Group.