Departures: The Disappointments of 2013

While 2013 has certainly not been the worst year for movie lovers, we’ve had our share of disappointments. Here are the top five least value for money offerings from the films reviewed this year, with links to the review published at the time of the film’s release.

Gangster Squad

As the citizens of the USA again grappled with the consequences of gun violence against their children in their schools, Hollywood decided it was still appropriate to trot out a transparent imitation of The Godfather and other successful attempts to tell the story of organised crime. Dressed in Mary Zophres’s gorgeous costumes and paraded against Maher Ahmad’s equally gorgeous production design, the actors (Josh Brolin, Ryan Gosling and Sean Penn led the charge) were all endlessly upstaged by weaponry of all shapes and sizes. The huge supporting cast of guns and bullets should have won Oscar nominations, and still might.

What to watch instead: The Godfather Part I

I Give It A Year

Even the often abused, yet tried and trusted romantic comedy formula buckled under the weight of this entirely forgettable attempt to turn the genre on its head. Beginning with a wedding and finding itself with absolutely nowhere to go from there, even the combined talents of Australians Rose Byrne and Simon Baker (perfectly matched to Rafe Spall and Anna Faris respectively) couldn’t save this under-done affair from sailing to its boring and predictable conclusion.

What to watch instead: An Affair to Remember

The Host

Twilight author Stephenie Meyer’s luck finally ran out when Andrew Niccol delivered what was arguably the worst film of the year – an Invasion of the Body Snatchers wanna-be about aliens implanting souls into unsuspecting humans. The Lovely Bones’ Saoirse Ronan threw herself out the window in order to escape the ordeal, and that was pretty much what the rest of us were considering doing to also escape this cinematically inert and ideologically suspect affair.

What to watch instead: Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Lovely Bones

White House Down

Roland Emmerich’s morbid fascination with blowing up one of the most iconic and important buildings in the world reached a particularly self-indulgent zenith with this grotesque chest-thumper that we had an even more awkward time watching in the week we remembered the attacks of 11 September, 2001. As an action hero, Channing Tatum proved himself to be an excellent stripper, while his daughter Joey King’s flag-waving dance moves probably did more to inspire sign-ups to Calisthenics classes than any other movie this year.

What to watch instead: The Day After Tomorrow

Now You See Me

Leading the field of movies that were nowhere as good as their promotional trailer was this over-produced, curiously unengaging heist tale that failed to deliver on every single one of its promises. Even though it boasted one of the finest ensemble casts of the year (Jesse Eisenberg, Mark Ruffalo, Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine starred), everyone was upstaged by the technological wizardy that director Louis Leterrier clearly mistook for heart, soul and, eventually, our interest.

What to watch instead: Shutter Island

This compilation was commissioned by the West Australian Newspaper Group.